Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
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Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
This could be us… but you playing
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
What’s so funny?
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.