@IveGotMutuals

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

You Might Also Like

@Heather2go

Rules to live by:

1. Be kind to strangers
2. Don’t cheat on your taxes
3. Everything in moderation
4. Bury the body at sea

@CruisinSoozan

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

@awesomeseank

Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.

@SamuelHLowe

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

@CherBear162

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

@GrantTanaka

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

@bourgeoisalien

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

@lejessica

I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.

@sophie_mhj

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death