Rules to live by:
1. Be kind to strangers
2. Don’t cheat on your taxes
3. Everything in moderation
4. Bury the body at sea
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
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Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*