Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
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“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.