Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
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I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job