It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
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When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep