When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
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Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then