Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
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I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.