Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
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Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Life hack
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.