Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

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[jurassic world]
ME: so what ur saying is, no one milks the dinosaurs bc it’s too dangerous
TOUR GUIDE: that is not what i’m saying at all


Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”


The guy I just cut off thinks he’s gonna destroy my car with high beams.


I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.


Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.


She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?


My mom: I was thinking of getting my grandson a drum set for Christmas!

Me: Funny. I was just thinking about getting a new mother.


My electric toothbrush ran out of batteries so I had to brush with my acoustic.