@PaperWash

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

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@secondofhername

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

@CanadianCyn

Mom: You need to get a hobby.

Me: Like photography?

Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.

@shadygrenade

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

@GrantTanaka

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

@ScottLinnen

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

@StranDadAbroad

Them: Would you be interested in coaching soccer?

Me: No, that sounds outside.

@WilliamAder

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

@ddsmidt

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.