Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
Mom: You need to get a hobby.
Me: Like photography?
Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
When is carotene going to get out of beta mode?
Them: Would you be interested in coaching soccer?
Me: No, that sounds outside.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.