Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
🤣
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him: