ME: have you seen my briefcase?
HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk
ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
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you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
me: *down on one knee*
her: omg omg omg it’s finally happening
me: *tightens my velcro straps* what
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?