Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
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[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
What’s a Messi?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
i will not be silenced
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Brb my Sims are getting married
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that