Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

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ME: have you seen my briefcase?

HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk

ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?


you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.


You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH


me: *down on one knee*

her: omg omg omg it’s finally happening

me: *tightens my velcro straps* what


*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.


5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question


*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body


Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?