“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
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He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Don’t talk down to me
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?