“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
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Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.