“Never go to bed angry” is the worst advice ever. I haven’t slept in eleven years.

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I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.


A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.


You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.


Hi, ambulance? I think I’ve swallowed 3 scrabble tiles. Just an FYI.


Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry


Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.


Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.


I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it.


*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house