@RickNothing

“Never go to bed angry” is the worst advice ever. I haven’t slept in eleven years.

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@Social_Mime

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

@bazecraze

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

@salamingia

You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.

@clint_bing

Hi, ambulance? I think I’ve swallowed 3 scrabble tiles. Just an FYI.

@egg_dog

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

@o__0Dev

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

@Megatronic13

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

@ManiacallySound

I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it.

@tastefactory

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house