[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
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I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I can’t stop laughing at this
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send