@RickNothing

“Never go to bed angry” is the worst advice ever. I haven’t slept in eleven years.

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@sarcasticmommy4

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

@Book_Krazy

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

@Xalqee

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

@iinkedZombie

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

@Kyle_Lippert

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

@NYC_Blonde

There should be an option on travel websites that let’s you search for “flights that are least likely to have noisy children”.

@ericsshadow

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

@themiltron

god: go to earth
jesus: why
god: i have a plan
jesus: is it a nice plan
god: it’s a plan