“Never go to bed angry” is the worst advice ever. I haven’t slept in eleven years.

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Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.


*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!


Me running away: Renewed!


ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it


When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.


Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.


Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.


now it’s the scientists’ turn to hide and the Higgs boson has to find them


By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?


Me: We broke up.

Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?


Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, “Wait a minute. I have that.”