Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
“Never go to bed angry” is the worst advice ever. I haven’t slept in eleven years.
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Ate a vegetable about 5 hours ago…Still no abs.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
There should be an option on travel websites that let’s you search for “flights that are least likely to have noisy children”.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
god: go to earth
god: i have a plan
jesus: is it a nice plan
god: it’s a plan