Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
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his wife is probably gonna see that
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”