@Gupton68

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

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@HatfieldAnne

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

@robdelaney

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

@Brianhopecomedy

I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don’t have a garden.

@TheSweetestD_

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

@skickwriter

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

@subtweetopath

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

@FredTaming

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

@squirrel74wkgn

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.