Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
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Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.