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I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him