@CantWaitToNap: Never have I ever... rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
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@KalvinMacleod: [dinner party] GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia? ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
@ipalatsky: it would probably never occur to you, but if need be, yellow pages book can knock your opponent out without any visible bruising.
@dafloydsta: WIFE: I'm tired of you living in a fantasy world ME: *imagining she's Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
@jackmackenroth: I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a 'cradle robber' cuz he's 18 and I'm 43. Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.