Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

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Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?


‘Do muslims have sex?’ no Susan I was delivered into this world by amazon prime.


Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.


Got home late to a note that said “Wake me up for sex”, which I stared at for 10 mins before realizing it was my own handwriting.



CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CENTURION: when is it tho


Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.


Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein


If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.