Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
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If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.