Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

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Wife: “We’ve had too many children. Where will they all sleep?”

Husband: “I don’t know. Just stack ’em in the corners or something.”

– how bunk beds were invented


It’s impossible to say “mesh” without sounding like Sean Connery…

Also you just tried it.


Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.


Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.


I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.


Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton


Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that