Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
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I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Childbirth is so beautiful
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?