@Turn2Dude

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

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@nappydolemite

Wife: “We’ve had too many children. Where will they all sleep?”

Husband: “I don’t know. Just stack ’em in the corners or something.”

– how bunk beds were invented

@UltraPunch

It’s impossible to say “mesh” without sounding like Sean Connery…

Also you just tried it.

@sixfootcandy

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

@JohnHilsen

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

@Mhmm_ok_sure

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

@ArfMeasures

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that