Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

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have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn


Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”


Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.


I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks ūüôā


ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends



a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”TayTayJustine”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3464513650/8434f29ff782c7cf7b8a53156d6198f0_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”324575973150453761″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”62″;s:5:”tweet”;s:139:”Shouldn’t’ve left me alone w/your no-eyebrow-havin baby.

*Pulls out Sharpie*
*Squiggles on a surprised look*

See! She’s happy to see you.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.


ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?