I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
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That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?