interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems