Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

Warm pools make me nervous.

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.