Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
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There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me