[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
You Might Also Like
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
mentally somewhere in italy
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Only short people can save us
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife