Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
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Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”