Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

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The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.


I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.


Boss:I need you to do something for me…
Boss:go on the jobcentre website and look for another job


I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.


[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!


Tin Man: I want a heart

Cowardly Lion: I want courage

Scarecrow: and a brain

Me: lemme get uhhhhhh


On Sundays, tweet random things like “that’s not a touchdown” and “ref you suck” to confuse football fans about which game you’re watching.


jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross


Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!