Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
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Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you