@Loli_Sug

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

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@dimplesticks

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

@Tmoney68

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

@HTownHarold

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

@scarebro

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

@david8hughes

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

@thedad

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

@MissHavisham

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)