Mmmmm white people
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
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My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
The person behind Wendy’s Twitter account deserves a medal
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
The best part of being married with kids is…..is…..umm…..Yeah.