@Loli_Sug

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

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@PyrBliss

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

@waydybee

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

@Shade510

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

@cjwerleman

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

@KevinFarzad

If you’re an astronaut and you don’t end every relationship by saying “look, I just need space” then you’re wasting everyone’s time.

@tamizdatum

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

@TheFearBoners

Hey Texas, in Florida it’s legal to abort other people’s kids up to 17 years.

@decentbirthday

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward