Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
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*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces