Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
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If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
If you’re an astronaut and you don’t end every relationship by saying “look, I just need space” then you’re wasting everyone’s time.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
me: im not some potato riot
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Hey Texas, in Florida it’s legal to abort other people’s kids up to 17 years.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward