Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
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Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
no such thing as a dumb question
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”