Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
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Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home