@illiter8too

Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.

You Might Also Like

@murrman5

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

@KMDrunner

Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon

@ComradTwitty

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

@HomeProbably

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

@Shower4Thought

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

@kumailn

My new year’s resolution is that donuts have no calories.

@urgeekisshowing

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

@Rollmaninoz

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

@samalmightysam

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

@JamieGreenlees

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.