Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.

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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.


Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me


If I died and went directly to hell it would take me a month to realize I wasn’t at work.


I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.


[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect


Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.


Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.