I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
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Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.