[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.
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Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
My new year’s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.