What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
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famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
channeling her this year
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
peak technology
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.