never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
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Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door