Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

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Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.


Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.


Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land


The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”


GERG: She licked ur donut?


GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!


HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.


*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home


Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.


If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.


Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.