Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
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It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin