@DothTheDoth

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

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@sarcasticmommy4

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

@heatherjs

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

@osoplain

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

@Lazer_Cat_

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

@Seinfeld2000

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

@Jake_Vig

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

@UncleDuke1969

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

@slyoung5

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

@ispypanda

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

@heymonroe

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.