Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
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Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.