@TheTweetOfGod

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

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@JeffMyspace

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
[Montage of Humpty picking apples, carving some pumpkins, jumping into piles of raked leaves]

@LeonardCowalski

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

@dshack8

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

@RichNeville

A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.

@daemonic3

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

@AmishPornStar1

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

@KPsych29

I stopped fighting my inner demons; We’re totes BFFs now.