Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
[Montage of Humpty picking apples, carving some pumpkins, jumping into piles of raked leaves]
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
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Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I stopped fighting my inner demons; We’re totes BFFs now.