Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
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if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money