@CruelMeiga

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

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@turtledumplin

Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he’s going to the clinic for a ‘work related’ injury.

@Jacob_Swift16

I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I’ve caught myself talking to it 3 times

@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

@FredTaming

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

@alexlumaga

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

@PaperWash

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

@drinksmcgee

The clerk at the art supply store just told me they have a “Monet back guarantee”…

I’ve never wanted to hit someone more in my life.

@ArfMeasures

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

@HomeWithPeanut

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

@GaryJanetti

Thanks for the holiday photo! I can’t believe your little girls are already unhappy, overweight teenagers!