Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
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Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
the greatest twitter interaction
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.