Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
You Might Also Like
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Girl, same.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake