Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don’t let them see the gun.

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Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.


20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.


Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too


By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”


[driving test]
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop


My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.


Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.


You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.