Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
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Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here