Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
You Might Also Like
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped