[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
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If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Happy Halloween 🎃
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo