Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
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Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one