Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
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Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
If only.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo