Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
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[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you