Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill