Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
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someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
who will stop them
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.