@lecalabara

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

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@jeffswarens

After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like “feeding the hungry” and “How to thank a loving wife”

@KentWGraham

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

@shutupmikeginn

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

@TheMichaelRock

It’s not really a random act of kindness if you planned it, photographed it, and posted it to social media.

@mjmimages

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

@ch000ch

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

@weinerdog4life

If everyone would stop screaming, I’m sure we’d all agree I’m not supposed to be in this women’s restroom.

@Brampersandon_

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

@BuckyIsotope

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.