Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

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After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like “feeding the hungry” and “How to thank a loving wife”


I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?


If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.


It’s not really a random act of kindness if you planned it, photographed it, and posted it to social media.


My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.


9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi


If everyone would stop screaming, I’m sure we’d all agree I’m not supposed to be in this women’s restroom.


[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2


A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.