it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
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Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
How times have changed.
*seductively corrects your posture*
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I told my vodka about you.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.