Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
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Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
*seductively corrects your posture*
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.