Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

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Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine.


99% of all online behavior is explained by the fact that everyone is insanely lonely and horny. the remaining 1% is advertising


Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.


I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans


Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them


I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.


Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*


OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there


Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please


Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.