@redpawn3

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

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@iamspacegirl

SURPRISE! I scream, bursting from the vat of mashed potatoes. The other lunch ladies do not look surprised
They do not look surprised at all

@Rollmaninoz

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

@Turnip2020

An eggplant just recognized me from Twitter & asked for my autograph. I gave him one, but then suddenly his father showed up, grabbed him by the stem, and told him to NEVER associate with vegetables like me.

Bigotry is still alive and well. I will do my best to root it out.

@miniwheats2012

The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand

@Jandalize

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

@thinkingparsnip

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

@ramblinma

Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”

Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”

@HatfieldAnne

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils