@redpawn3

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

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@ErinLea7

Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine.

@nachdermas

99% of all online behavior is explained by the fact that everyone is insanely lonely and horny. the remaining 1% is advertising

@daemonic3

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

@70Ceeks

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

@MisterBombay

Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them

@HomeProbably

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

@geowizzacist

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

@ArfMeasures

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

@thedadvocate01

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

@BubblesnBooze

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.