Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
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Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*