[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
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The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died